a new year, a new hope?
this hasn’t been the easiest post to write, i’ve started it and stopped it, deleted it and re-started it countless times because for whatever reason i can’t seem to get it right, and the implications behind the text to follow are hard for me to deal with to a certain extent. so, here goes. i’m not sure how long this will be, but i’m going to try and explain some of the decisions i’ve come to in the past couple of weeks and where i’m finding myself at in this “spin-cycle” of confusion that is my relationship with the church.
big announcement #1: this has been a hard decision, and it’s even harder to announce, probably because it’s letting go of something that we (tracy & i) were so excited about, something that we longed to be a part of… but we have decided that we won’t be moving to boston to be a part of the church plant this summer and the chances of us going out there at all seem to get slimmer and slimmer every day. we’re not closing the door on the possibilities yet, but there are many times that it feels as if God has. i’ve talked with several people about the whole thing and they’ve helped to steer me around this dark, impenetrable fog that it feels i’m walking through. i feel as if i’ve been armed with new sets of questions to ponder, especially in regards to vocation as i try and figure things out. a dear friend encouraged me this week to follow my heart, “I think God reveals his heart in our heart sometimes. You mentioned on the phone that you can’t believe how much you’ve missed vocational ministry. Maybe that’s your heart talking.” yes, that’s right, contrary to what many of you may think because of what i struggle with in regards to the church, i actually miss vocational ministry… i miss it a lot. in fact, that’s part of the reason why boston seems to be slipping away, i can’t imagine nor can i figure out doing anything else. which brings me to big announcement #2…
i’m not sure when this will happen, but as you can probably figure out from what you just read, i want to get back into localized church ministry. i’m not sure in what capacity but i want to eventually, which is why i sent out several resumes all across God’s green earth… to which for many i’ve already been promptly rejected. i probably won’t be sending too many more out for a while… but you never know. in fact, earlier this week i was offered a ministry position at a large church (i didn’t send them a resume–in fact, they haven’t asked for one or for references) but i more than likely won’t be accepting it. there’s a really strange, interesting story that surrounds this job offer but i can’t really share it right now…maybe in time i’ll be able to.
well, that’s all i’m willing to share right now… i’ll share some more later, and i’ll give you a picture of where i’m at in my relationship to the church. you may not see these as major, or even big announcements, but for me these two things have been huge components in bringing me out of the fog (i’m not out of the woods yet.) i’d like to thank the many of you who have encouraged me during this time and have been praying for me. it’s made this experience much more bearable. i’d like to specifically thank another friend for this blessing. it was profoundly meaningful and inspiring as it brought tears to my eyes. thank you, i’m not sure i’ll ever be able to put into words what this captured for me in my heart. “As I write this, I am offering a prayer for you and Tracy…as you figure things out…as you deconstruct and reconstruct…as you move forward trying as humanly possible to be in the centre…as you are His more and more each day. May way open more as way closes.”
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[...] we’ve been running up against closed doors for quite some time now (a year and a half) and it’s been a very frustrating experience and time for us as we continue to pound our heads up against the wall of life (it all started when we realized the door to boston was closed–one of the hardest decisions of our life together). but i think we’ve taken it in stride (but of course only after much pouting). we’ve certainly learned to live with uncertainty during this time, which hasn’t always been an easy thing to do, and we’ve learned to be content with our situations and our surroundings. (not to mention that we’ve learned a lot about patience.) but by-and-by we’ve seen the tremendous faithfulness of God throughout it all. [...]