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the darkness of doubt
I doubt with an intensity that makes me take notice. I look around at other church planters that walk through the doors of CCC and truly wonder: “Can I really do what they do?” I see the amazing, high-caliber leaders on staff and doubt whether or not I could even lead a staff, let alone a congregation. It’s not that the desire is absent, but rather a deep sense of doubt that makes me question whether or not it is right for me to head this way. I don’t believe it is a comparison issue but rather the possibility that this is a growing self-awareness within me.
I’m not past the possibility that these doubts stem from deep wounds within from past ministry situations that I have never dealt with, that I have never allowed to rise to the surface… or that I even knew existed. Maybe it’s only with the bitterness removed that the recessed wounds are able to surface and total healing can begin…
There are certainly a bevy of hurtful words that have taken root within my heart and helped to create who I am today—words from Sr. Pastors and elders in my past 9 years of ministry that I have allowed to suck the life out of me only to replace that void with poison… and it is quite possible that these words are the source of my doubt.
The pages of my past must be healed before writing the pages of my future and the accusations of character, integrity and ability that cause my heart to seize must be rooted out and destroyed.
When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise. Indeed, we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection… And so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions.
~Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude
It is time to break free from the judges of the world and not allow myself to be imprisoned any longer by these words of rejection which have more than likely led to self-created illusions and rather rest firmly in my identity that is only found in Christ. And through conversations and solitude with the Wounded Healer, I will be restored… but will these doubts subside along with the death of illusion?
28 Responses to “the darkness of doubt”
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Aaron,
There is nothing like a little Nouwen to get one refocused!
I have always had a lot of confidence in you.
You have answered your own doubts and may need to do it again and until you “forget what is behind and press forward toward the high calling of God” (loose translation of Philippians 3.)
Question: What’s with this high-powered leader business and how does that fit into God’s kingdom?
high caliber leaders are those that “get it” about leadership and have an amazing capacity to lead others towards the vision and get people on board towards helping people find their way back to God. “how does that not fit into God’s kingdom?” would be my question back to you…
it’s an empowering of others, while joining together with others in the pursuit of mission and God’s kingdom.
Aaron- Something here is rubbing me the wrong way and I am not sure that I can get at it, let alone explain it, but I will try.
Were any of the twelve that Jesus choose high caliber leaders?
Using high caliber leaders to lead the church makes perfect sense on one hand and sounds exactly like the corporate world on the other hand. That is not a bad thing by itself, except I don’t see that the corporate/high caliber leadership model has produced many truly missional churches. I understand that those with the leadership gift often get an unfair bum rap and that it is an important gift, but I have seen it used it ways that were self-serving (for the local church) and subtly codependent and ego gratifying for the leader.
The thought “more of the same” is running through my mind.
It would be great to get a discussion about church leadership going.
glenn
were any of the twelve that Jesus chose high caliber leaders?
i would have to answer that with a big “yes”, especially if this is what one is: they have an amazing capacity to lead others towards the vision and get people on board towards helping people find their way back to God. the church grew under the leadership of peter, james and john, paul, andrew, matthew and the like.
i think we have to get away from seeing the corporate world and their ideas as the enemy and rather look for the truths that may lie within. the one thing that i find interesting about the emerging/missional movement is that we believe that truth lay everywhere (i.e. other religions, culture, philosophies, etc)–except where we don’t want to find it (traditional church, corporate america, conservative politics, etc.) we seem to be creating a double standard in this approach and rather than embracing truth we pick and choose the truths that we want.
yes, leadership gets a bum rap but that’s because of how we have allowed the leader to become a megalomaniac and in turn destroyed our impression of what leadership can and should be under the influence of the holy spirit instead of the influence of humanity.
until we get this fear of leadership out of our mind, the emerging/missional movement will never gain the traction it needs to be propelled as a force to be reckoned with. (which is actually really ironic and paradoxical in the sense that we allow ourselves to be led by brian mclaren, doug pagitt, dan kimball and the other authors of the emerging church–all who happen to be high-caliber leaders).
Aaron-
The twelve (eleven) were effective leaders, no doubt. Would they have been chosen to be groomed as high caliber leaders by any one other than Jesus? Very doubtful! I find it interesting that Judas might have been the highest caliber leader. Were they effective leaders because of their “high caliber-ness” or because of their teacher?
The corporate world is not the enemy. The corporate model of church management, on the other hand, has not produced much of anything that resembles Jesus. Granted, there are a few notable exceptions. Your statement about the emerging/missional movement was sweeping, with a grain of truth, but generally, little more than a caricature.
I almost agree with the last portion of your comment. (You probably thought you were never going to hear those words from me again!) This new thing does seem to lack traction. McLaren, Kimball, Paggitt are not high caliber leaders in the traditional evangelical sense of pastoring large churches (if my information is correct.) They are influential in their thinking and writing. I think the next generation of the church already is redefining what it means to be successful as a church and a leader.
I was just trying to find some high caliber leadership adjectives in I Timothy 3 and Titus1. There is mostly an emphasis on character and maturity, with a secondary emphasis on abilities, and no emphasis on high caliber-ness, unless, one couples character with the ability to influence, which would be a correct association.
I don’t want to pick on you. I do want to challenge you. I almost feel like I have become more like you used to be and you have become more like I used to be which is very curious, if not down right funny.
Would it be OK, if I take this discussion over to re-dreaming and see if we can’t bring in some more opinions?
[...] 3rd, 2007 by Glenn My friend, Aaron and I have been slugging it out over at his blog, Regenerate. There was something about the term, [...]
Aaron,
For what it’s worth, I, too, have alot of confidence in you.
Why would you make a good leader?
Maybe it’s because you have done an amazing job of making people think,
Maybe it’s because you’ve walked into the bleakest, most drepressing of church positions, all the while passing on hope and optimism to those that were around you.
Maybe it’s because of you have this amazing ability to recognize and speak to the mis-steps of both the Emergent Wold and the more Evangelical World.
Maybe it’s because if it wasn’t for the short amount of time you were involved in my world, I would probably been just another statistic burnt by the church, choosing to stay home.
It’s definetly not because I believe you will never fail, it’s that I know you have the ability to fail with style and grace.
*** I’m not sure if I’ve ever really said thank you, so Thanks!
Just because their churches aren’t big doesn’t mean they aren’t high caliber leaders (McLaren, Pagitt and the like). They have communicated their vision to the masses and tons of people around the country and around the world have caught on to their vision for change and for missional advancement in the midst of our postmodern culture… and this is a good thing! Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Thinking that I’m only making sweeping generalities that caricature the emerging church is not correct, because those statements are more pointed and true than they are general. The emerging church has serious issues with leadership and authority—I could elaborate, but it would take an entire blog series (which probably should be forthcoming)—which is because the emerging church is still caught in a very adolescent phase. Fortunately it is moving forward from this adolescence into a more mature and focused group. But this is why leadership (specifically the term “high-caliber” leadership) is so distasteful.
High-caliber leadership is a very important part of the church, an undervalued and often misunderstood attribute… but that’s because of its misuse moreso than anything. This is probably why other things in the emerging church (preaching, scripture, and other authority-used things) have been downplayed and disregarded from time to time especially in the more “liberal” currents.
thanks kevin.
Aaron-
I feel like I am taking over here, but we have a topic that we both care about and a lively exchange that does not involve flying objects.
McLaren and gang:
They are high caliber leaders, yet from an evangelical perspective, they are unconventional leaders. I am not sure who is the baby and who is the bathwater in your metaphor.
Generalities:
It is darn hard to talk about thing without getting into generalities. I pretty much agree with everything you said in your second paragraph. Perhaps an exception: the emerging church has a problem with authority and leadership because they have seen it misused and abused to such a degree. They are re-examining how leadership and authority should work. I think that is a good thing. When someone has been repeatedly burned, they tend to become a little weary. I know that you understand exactly what I am talking about from your experiences. What is the problem with taking a fresh look at leadership?
High caliber:
Something that is of high caliber has great capacity that can go ether way. My problem with the term is that I can’t even imagine Jesus using it. I have seen great harm come of it (usually by well-meaning people.) I have seen it build great churches, but seldom the kingdom. I would like to see it re-defined in terms of humility, servant hood, characture, compassion, and maturity. The ability to leverage those virtues would be true high caliber leadership!
Aaron-
Along with Kevin, I have a lot of respect for you. That is one of the reasons that i lingering around.
i agree that mclaren and gang are unconventional leaders, but that doesn’t mean they are not high-caliber leaders… i’m glad you recognize that!
the baby that i think is being thrown out by the emerging church/missional church is leadership and authority (which are intertwined) and the bathwater is the different models of leadership that have been tried and failed… or just don’t work anymore. unfortunately those are both being tossed instead of looking for the redemptive sides of leadership and taking a fresh look at it.
i’m all for taking a new look at leadership and believe whole-heartedly that it must be done and crafted as a new art form instead of as some dictatorial mode that makes people run for the hills. i’ve never said otherwise. i just think we’re hung up on semantics… in fact, i would never not include humility, servanthood, character, compassion and maturity into a list of what a high-caliber leader looks like. in fact, i see each and every one of those things in the leaders around CCC and that’s part of what has become so intimidating and has caused me to become introspective and aware to the questions of whether or not i truly possess those attributes… in fact, i would even go so far to say that each one of those attributes are in many leadership books out there today (if not the majority of those books).
Aaron-
I have to say, it sounds as though we have come full circle and that I agree with everything you said in this comment. Of course, I can always find something to comment on.
I think this time it is semantics. Being aware that people these days are more weary of church leaders, I see no reason to hang to corporate style terminology, like … high caliber leader, senior pastor, senior associate pastor, executive pastor, etc. that would lead people to think that church leaders are big shots, instead of servants.
I will let you alone here, my friend and see if the conversation picks up at my blog. Again, thanks for engaging!
[...] set me off over at my poor friends’ Aaron’s (Monts) blog. I hope that you will look at the conversation there and the one in the in the last post here. By the way, I certainly do not disagree with everything [...]
but glenn, it’s just adjectives… why must we die on that hill?
i find it humorous that “corporate” terminology has become the curse words of the emerging church.
I’m touchy!
I don’t know about dying on a hill.
It just makes sense to tune our terminology toward something rooted in scripture and meaningful (in a positive way to our community) rather than resorting to big shot, corporate talk that turns people off. Why has corporate terminology become so popular in church leadership circles? I am thinking of really important sounding titles.
It’s not just that corporations have become the bad guys in several segments of our society. It is that that way of operating (all about growth, profits, and structure) are far removed from the way a truly high caliber leader would lead.
See, I told you that I was touchy. Honestly, it just seems like common sense.
oh i think we’re dying on that hill… the hill of verbage and vocabulary. that’s why you’re so cranky, cantankerous and touchy about “high-caliber” leader!
the interesting thing about what you just said is (my interpretation): we need to move away from using the vocabulary of the world and instead use the vocabulary of the church—or basically christianese. that’s not very missional nor is it very culturally relevant. “church planting” isn’t a very culturally relevant term either—just try explaining you’re a church planter to a non-christian, they look at you like you just said something crazy.
i think corporate terminology become so popular because it was something that people could relate to. it was the crushing of christianese… or at least the beginning… and the beginning of bringing the church back to the people instead of secluded in our little “christian bubble”.
My, my, bring out the adjectives!
Wrong interpretation.
You used the word “could ” past tense.
I think it was more bringing the corporate world to the church than bringing the church back to the people. Those terms were more appropriate back in the 80′a and 90’s. It’s time to get over it and use something that is meaningful, rather than just providing an ego boost for the staff member and trying to sound cool in a retro sort of way. ( You would think that you were 50-something and I was 20-something!)
You may be the most tenacious person I know!
Have you ever had a conversation on your blog go on this long?
i agree with you that the terms were more appropriate back in the 80s and 90s to the culture at large, however there are still some pockets of people that are still culturally living in the 80s and 90s and for them these words are more than relevant.
the funny thing about your comment about using words that are meaningful and trying to sound cool and retro sounds more like you’re talking of the emergent/emerging church than the modern church…
(i like tenacity.)
and yes, i’ve had a couple of conversations go longer….
I am not at all sure it was good terminology or mentality even in the 80’s and 90’s. However, it was very fashionable within church leadership culture.
If the emerging/ missional discussion/movement is only another retrofit jazzing up of the church and changing of terminology, then Lord help us all!
It was your tenacity that first caused me to take notice of you. If you reflect, you’ll remember the incident.
I am changing adjectives now: you’re stubborn!
Guys,
From this point of view it looks like you both have very different interpretations of high-caliber leadership. Couldn’t you both be right?
Jesus was a high-caliber leader. He represented the best in humanity and we’d be missing something to not emulate him. The disciples were just plain Joe’s but they chose to follow Him so they did something right. What Jesus did was show the the average person could be high caliber through love.
From what I gather Aaron it sounds like you’ve been touched by people who loved you and lifted you up. This is high caliber leadership at its best and possible by anyone willing to engage love.
Glenn, it sounds like you’ve met all the business guys I grew up and worked with who followed all the leadership seminars because they wanted the next raise. Just because we read the books doesn’t mean they were high caliber no matter how hard they tried. In fact the harder they tried the more it irritated everyone.
And when we engage conversations like this, it takes time to step back and suddenly realize that “Oh, what you really meant is…” Language and meaning of words is important but unfortunately we often have the interpretations of every day language, especially important ones like leadership.
Jonathan- I didn’t know anyone else was reading our silly/serious conversation. Its just that Aaron is very stubborn… and so am I. Apparently, we’re both feeling a little feisty lately.
I love it when someone takes a bold step for love. Thanks for joining in.
Aaron- I love you, man! (but you’re stubborn)
[...] an interesting quote in light of Glenn and I’s conversation on leadership which can be found here, and some other thoughts on the subject here and here. (I still think we’re bickering over [...]
but if both of us are right, then there’s no one set of truth! that can’t be happening, can it?
p.s. ~ i’m stubborn? take a look in the mirror glenn my man!
yea Glenn, I’m definately reading your silly/serious conversation… It’s quite amusing!
[...] and Aaron duked it out over “high-caliber leadership” here in the comments [...]
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