“Where have you been? And don’t say the bathroom because I kicked in all the stalls.
~ Dwight

“Why do I love Hooters? Um, I’ll give you two reasons: the boobs and the hot wings.”
~ Michael

Sometimes, I try to imagine what it’s like to be a woman. I have a full length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed, I’ll “tuck” myself between the legs, just to see. And it’s uncomfortable.”
~ Michael

“My cousin Heindl could have been a great athlete, but he bought a pair of irreguar footie pajamas from the store and his legs grew unevenly. Now he can only run in broad elliptical patterns. When he ran for the bus he would have to aim 45 degrees to the right, and the natural curve of his warped-leg path would eventually guide him back to the door.”
~ Dwight

I saw this last week and laughed very, very hard. Jon Stewart gets it right once again…

When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.
~ Dwight, on Ryan’s first sales call

I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids… You just have to joke around with them, give them pizza, give them candy, let them live their lives, they’re adults for God’s sake.
~ Michael

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I put my spud gun in a duffel bag and came to work. And I sat here the whole day with a rifle that fires potatoes. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
~ Dwight

I can’t be around carbs today. Do you have any idea what a simple loaf of bread would do to my abs?
~ Michael

Smells pretty bad, doesn’t it?… It’s called bull crap. And a client can smell it from a mile away.
~ Dwight, on Ryan’s first sales call

We’re just having a guys-in-the-workplace thing…. Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why are there no diaper changing tables in men’s rooms? Why does society expect us to use urinals when sitting is more comfortable?
~ Michael

We are doing this for charity…I consider myself a great philaderer…and I know at the end of the day I can look in the mirror and say, “Michael, tonight because of you some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.” Plus, it’s tax deductible. ~ Michael