for the past week josh brown has been posting the stories of 8 friends under the age of 25 that have decided to walk away from the traditional model of ministry in pursuit of something different.

it’s an interesting biography and collective story of the differentiation among the generations and the ways in which we as the traditional church burn up and burn out our idealists, our youngest and our brightest in ministry.  As Josh explains:

This is our attempt at sharing our stories. Beyond the statistics and figures. Beyond George Barna’s book, Revolution, with pseudo names. We have nothing more than real stories and real experiences that tell of how we walked away, were forced out, or fired. Some of our stories our painful and we still need time to heal the wounds as we “detox”. Some of our stories our hopeful as we have found alternative ways to live the way of Jesus in our world.

This is neither an attempt at being critical or to minimize the role and value that many of the traditional models of church still have and play in God’s economy. These are simply the faces behind the stats, that tell us that young people are leaving the church at a fairly rapid rate. At a time in history when many pastors and church leaders are bemoaning and concerned with the loss of young people in their congregations . . . we . . . the young, creative, gifted, and called twenty-somethings . . . have been pushed to the margins. We now stand on the outside looking in at a time when the church most needs us.

hopefully at some point, the church will begin to take notice.  hopefully at some point the church will listen.  and hopefully this little experiment, embarked upon by this group of 8 friends, is the beginning.

you can read their stories here…

gentry ever the man of a million good ideas asked to hear from those who have chosen [for the time being] to stay in the traditional evangelical church instead of “running away”* and participating in non-traditional ministry structures… so, without any further ado, here is a glimpse into my mind–and some of the craziness that lies within.

you could say that i’m a glutton for punishment, that i tend to find myself more often than not in some of the worst of ministry situations.  it feels as if i’m continually battered and beaten that my spirit, my heart and my passion are “constantly”** abused and destroy my spirit.  a dear friend and mentor made the hard observation/comparison that my relationship to the traditional/institutional church is like the woman in an abusive relationship that keeps going back determined that he is going to change… i’d say that nearly nails it on the head.

i find myself in some of the worst situations not because i actively seek them out, but because i long to see change in the church.  i desperately want the traditional church structure to be the fully-realized, incarnational hope of the world, the beautiful bride of Christ that it was intended to be.  there is a deep desire within (a fire in the bones–if you will), an everlasting sense of optimism (that never seems to die–and if it gets close it always seems to get restored/resurrected) to see the traditional church be what it was meant to be… i long to see it rise up (and help it rise up) from the ashes and usher in the Kingdom like it is supposed to!  you can call my desire to play a role in this, my desire to come in and “save the day” a messiah complex, you can even call it an exercise of my ego, but i want to play a part in the traditional church’s restoration, in helping restore its glory that is found in Christ. 

however, even though this may seem somewhat a noble and honorable reason, i would be remiss and ultimately dishonest if i were not to mention the selfish side of me that keeps me in the traditional church (thus far).  i struggle with and continue to have a deep fear of the unknown that resides deep within my being.  i lack the faith to step out of the comfortable confines of the traditional church, to seek out the beautiful expressions of doing church that so many are creating and living in non-traditional ways.  i stand at a distance and admire many of my friends and former colleagues that have had the chutzpah to step out and follow Christ in complete faith wherever he may lead them, and to do whatever he may call them to do.  however for myself, i have not been able to make such a leap.  maybe it’s God holding me back–or maybe that’s just an excuse, but whatever the case it’s my hope that God will use me in whatever situation i find myself and that in the end God will find me faithful to the calling he has laid on my life–whatever that may be!

*i use this for lack of better terminology and from a lack of understanding of what some of my fellow brothers and sisters have been through in the traditional church structure… i don’t mean for this to offend, nor do i mean it to be understood that i’m ‘passing judgment.’

**i’m using this term in a relative sense

it all ended yesterday… no longer am i in youth ministry.

am i relieved? yes. am i excited? yes. do i miss it? not yet, but i’m sure that i will at some point… but not enough to return. do i feel any different? not really, but i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it’s time to grow up now…

i’ve enjoyed my time greatly as a youth minister. i’ve learned a great deal about what high school students are truly capable of. i’ve learned how much we in the church undervalue the contributions of this portion of our number. and i’ve seen how valuable their insights, their exuberance, and their passion can be in helping to steer the church in a new direction.

i am thankful for these experiences, for the relationships that i’ve built and sustained, and for those that have taught and corrected me (both young and old) as i walked down this path trying to do the best i could all the while stumbling and fumbling, making mistakes and making things harder than they really needed to be.

the end is no longer an anticipation, but now a reality…

this past weekend was wonderful. it was nice to finally have the opportunity to get away for a little bit: to abandon the studies of school, be removed from the stresses of ministry, and to actually be alone with the wife for a few days. it’s been hard getting back into the swing of things, the vacation was long overdue and far too short, but i’m glad to have gone. this has certainly been a strange, difficult, exciting, stressful, amazing and disappointing 9 months and to get away for just a bit of a respite has been extremely invaluable. although at the same time it has reinvigorated not only myself but the questions of vocation that i had buried deep down and hidden away in the hopes of dealing with them later… i guess later came sooner than i thought.

i keep looking for a theme, a commonality that may have been evident over the past few months of searching and living life… either i’m blind, not too observant, a complete doof, or there isn’t one that has been occurring. maybe there are just too many things that are happening around me to take in… i’m amazed at how hard this is, this search, the desire to know, this deep longing to move forward out of the fog of uncertainty. tracy keeps saying, “maybe God has us here in soybean land for a purpose… maybe there’s more to it than we see.” i know she’s probably right–okay, she is right. but the thing is i don’t even see what the purpose is. (that sounds very nihilistic)…

this quest, this journey is very difficult… especially as i keep looking for the future, as i keep waiting for the future to arrive. and maybe that’s a lot of the problem: instead of living in the now-the present, i keep living for the future-the what is to come, that which will fulfill my dreams, my hopes and my desires for the life God has entrusted to me.

gentry wrote an interesting post over at the boston emergent cohort entitled ‘from professional ministry to the priesthood of all believers’. there’s some good insight in this article, check it out.

here’s my shortest journal entry ever… i wrote this a couple of days ago:

“the frustrations of ministry are to long to list, but the one common thread that runs through all of them is people.”

here’s a challenging thought… not just for the church, but for myself as i wrestle with calling and the future.

“a church which pitches its tents without looking out for new horizons, which does not continually strike camp, is being untrue to its calling… [we must] play down our longing for certainty, accept what is risky, live by improvisation and experiment.” ~ hans kung

i got an email today from yet another church that i had been talking to about a position that now won’t be adding staff until mid to early 2007….

what’s the deal with 2007? tracy says it’s because 7 is the perfect number… umm, probably not.

as i adjust and settle in to the demands, frustrations and struggles of balancing ministry, school, and family, I find myself overwhelmed with work that needs to get done and must be done in a timely fashion, and finding quality time to spend with my wife. i know that this is a temporary existence that i find myself in, a season that will soon pass into the recesses of my mind and the timeline of history that made my life what it was. i desire above all else to finish the season well, to balance the demands to perfection and to gracefully stride into the next chapter that certainly awaits my arrival. however, in the meantime i must deal with ‘the now,’ with the present, with the situations and problems that stare me in the eyes and demand my attention and my action. it is my response to these events, my evaluation and my decisions that will determine to a great extent my course into the next, great chapter of life…

i must revel in ‘the now,’ because ‘the now’ is all i have.

where i’m at with my relationship to the church….

in the introduction of brian mclaren’s ‘a new kind of Christians’, mclaren outlines the process of transition associated with a total paradigm shift as described to him by andrew jones. i’ve found myself coming back to this paradigm quite frequently over the past month as i try and figure out exactly where i am at in this crazed and jumbled confusion. well, here’s the paradigm:

area 1 refers to the old paradigm, the old mental map or way of seeing things. over time, it becomes increasingly cramped and feels more like a prison than freedom.

area 2 describes the early transition period, where there is a high degree of frustration and reaction. an individual or group in this phase turns against the old paradigm and can’t stop talking about how wrong, inhumane, or insupportable it is.

area 3, people gradually turn from deconstructing the past to constructing the future and begin the hard work of designing a new paradigm to take the place of the old one. this is a time of creative exhilaration, challenge, and perhaps anxiety-because the discovery of a new paradigm that will be superior to the old is by no means assured and because the wrath of the defenders of the old is likely to be unleashed on those who dare propose an alternative.

area 4, if the creation of a new paradigm succeeds, the new era develops and expands freedom and possibilities. (of course, one must anticipate a time when the new liberating paradigm itself becomes confining and old.)
(andrew jones, as quoted by mclaren in “a new kind of christian”)

i am happy to report that i have successfully moved from area 1 to area 2 (just check the archives and you’ll understand)… and now am finding myself sliding from area 2 and into area 3. although this has been a gradual shift there were 2 events that helped perpetuate the move from area 2 to area 3 more than anything else. one of them was a post on lowery’s blog and the wonderful conversation that ensued afterwards. and the second was the constant ringing in my head of the gentle reminder from gentry “always respond with charity.”

i’ve found myself tired of the battle, tired of issues that i have with the USA church but i’m not willing to give up on what needs to change. the past year or so of being disgruntled with the USA church has been hard, but it’s been necessary because we can’t reconstruct something that we haven’t first deconstructed. i look forward to the construction of a new paradigm and a new outlook from which to work from. and i look forward to all of your input as you unknowingly help me reconstruct this new thing in my head.

there are many times that nouwen drives me to the brink of insanity, this is one of those times… however, it is a much needed exhortation for me at the moment.

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, “How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?” There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let’s rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away. ~ Henri Nouwen

a new year, a new hope?

this hasn’t been the easiest post to write, i’ve started it and stopped it, deleted it and re-started it countless times because for whatever reason i can’t seem to get it right, and the implications behind the text to follow are hard for me to deal with to a certain extent. so, here goes. i’m not sure how long this will be, but i’m going to try and explain some of the decisions i’ve come to in the past couple of weeks and where i’m finding myself at in this “spin-cycle” of confusion that is my relationship with the church.

big announcement #1: this has been a hard decision, and it’s even harder to announce, probably because it’s letting go of something that we (tracy & i) were so excited about, something that we longed to be a part of… but we have decided that we won’t be moving to boston to be a part of the church plant this summer and the chances of us going out there at all seem to get slimmer and slimmer every day. we’re not closing the door on the possibilities yet, but there are many times that it feels as if God has. i’ve talked with several people about the whole thing and they’ve helped to steer me around this dark, impenetrable fog that it feels i’m walking through. i feel as if i’ve been armed with new sets of questions to ponder, especially in regards to vocation as i try and figure things out. a dear friend encouraged me this week to follow my heart, “I think God reveals his heart in our heart sometimes. You mentioned on the phone that you can’t believe how much you’ve missed vocational ministry. Maybe that’s your heart talking.” yes, that’s right, contrary to what many of you may think because of what i struggle with in regards to the church, i actually miss vocational ministry… i miss it a lot. in fact, that’s part of the reason why boston seems to be slipping away, i can’t imagine nor can i figure out doing anything else. which brings me to big announcement #2…

i’m not sure when this will happen, but as you can probably figure out from what you just read, i want to get back into localized church ministry. i’m not sure in what capacity but i want to eventually, which is why i sent out several resumes all across God’s green earth… to which for many i’ve already been promptly rejected. i probably won’t be sending too many more out for a while… but you never know. in fact, earlier this week i was offered a ministry position at a large church (i didn’t send them a resume–in fact, they haven’t asked for one or for references) but i more than likely won’t be accepting it. there’s a really strange, interesting story that surrounds this job offer but i can’t really share it right now…maybe in time i’ll be able to.

well, that’s all i’m willing to share right now… i’ll share some more later, and i’ll give you a picture of where i’m at in my relationship to the church. you may not see these as major, or even big announcements, but for me these two things have been huge components in bringing me out of the fog (i’m not out of the woods yet.) i’d like to thank the many of you who have encouraged me during this time and have been praying for me. it’s made this experience much more bearable. i’d like to specifically thank another friend for this blessing. it was profoundly meaningful and inspiring as it brought tears to my eyes. thank you, i’m not sure i’ll ever be able to put into words what this captured for me in my heart. “As I write this, I am offering a prayer for you and Tracy…as you figure things out…as you deconstruct and reconstruct…as you move forward trying as humanly possible to be in the centre…as you are His more and more each day. May way open more as way closes.”